just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
did you just send me my own nude
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm having to shit out rocks
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