the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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