she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
