I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
