So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
