Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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