im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
