I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
