it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
