Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
