Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
