when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
