I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The beer is more important than you right now.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
