when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
