cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
