Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
