Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
