I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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