I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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