I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
