Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
