Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just invented taco cereal.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
