Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
