Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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