this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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