make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
