complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
