John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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