Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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