The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
