dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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