...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize