We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
