I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The air taste purple.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
