i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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