fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize