life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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