she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
