I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
