i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
