My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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