i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
