tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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