Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This baby is an asshole
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
