Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
