I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
