Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i think i have two assholes
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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