Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
