I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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