I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
