Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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