my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
