I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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