i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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