Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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