He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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