So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
