hotel room ftw
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
