I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
