new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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