Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
